


The Shame Is Mine

by KatxXxNaoe



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Bottom Erwin Week, Drinking, M/M, Minor Violence, eruri - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-25
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-05 16:00:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4186002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatxXxNaoe/pseuds/KatxXxNaoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erwin reminiscing his first kiss with Levi.</p><p>Erwin Bottom Week 2015 | Day 5 : First Time</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Shame Is Mine

_I wonder...Levi. Do you remember ?_  
_Do you remember the first time our bodies connected and our passions collided ?_  
_I hope you do. Because I think of it often. And everytime it feels like you are right there reliving it with me._  
_It happened after our second expedition together remember ? You were still so mad at me for everything that happened before,you barely even looked my way and direct eye contact was not an option.  
You bared respect for me even then that I know,I felt it. But your eyes were burning my skin even from afar and I pretended I didn't notice._  
_Of course I had to go and make things even worse for you like always, I had to give you the order to attack with your squad once again and I had to watch you draw breath among a dozen corpses afterwards ,watch as your cold presence turned even colder while the blood of your comrades cooled off on your face._  
_Your wounds were fresh and your heart was still bleeding in your chest but I couldn't protect you. I still can't. _  
_I called out your name but you didn't respond,you just wiped the blood off your face and climbed on your horse galloping past me._  
_In the end the casualties amounted to half the number of our previous expedition but still it was too high. And I was angry at myself. It didn't show but I was so very angry at myself for even losing one person again. I was younger and so naive Levi..._  
  
_After our return inside the walls you vanished from my sight without a word. I locked myself up inside my office signing meaningless apologies and soaking in my own misery for the rest of the day. Time flowed painfully slow  and my hands soon reached out for the precious bottled plan of  escape hidden under my desk._  
_The sun descended,candles were lit and the darkness made my misery grow even stronger. And I thought of your narrow eyes when I covered mine in despair,I thought of how they pierced right through my chest and it made me want to scream._  
_When I opened my eyes again you stood in front of my desk,your face grim and your fists clenched tight._  
_You told me through your gritted teeth that you had come to deliver me the final paperwork for our 'very successful expedition'._  
_Your every word was filled with poison and I was already so hurt Levi,I was in so much pain.  
When you asked me to honestly tell you if their deaths were a necessary part of our success I told you the truth. I answered no.  
In those early days they were testing my worth as a commander,sending us to run errands outside of the wall,to chase unneeded treasures and mask it as a mission for humanity._  
_So my answer was no,because I couldn't lie to you. I never could. And your fist met my desk in the blink of an eye,your mouth blamed me for accepting to do such futile deeds again and again. You were right,it was my fault. Because even though I understood that I had to comply in order to grow stronger in the future I wasn't the commander you needed me to be. I still wasn't enough and I knew._  
_So I didn't say anything,I let you rain me down with your pain without saying a word. I poured myself another drink and gulped it down like water as I'd done with the ones proceeding it and your face was flush by then , your anger running so deep into your system that even the tips of your ears were red._  
_That's when you went and called me a drunk and a heartless bastard and even though they were words that I had already heard many times in the past,words that had followed me forever , when they came out of your mouth they broke me._  
_I screamed at you then,I stood up and I told you that I've had enough sending the empty crystal glass that I had been holding on the wall right behind you._  
_You looked directly into my eyes then for the first time in so many months,stared at me with awe for a moment and as your mouth twisted your fist met my face so fast I didn't even know what had actually hit me at first._  
_Words had stopped coming out of your mouth then,you only growled in my face as you effortlessly grabbed my collar and pushed my back on the bookcase right behind my desk._  
  
_I didn't feel the need to defend myself in the least. I let you plant your fist on my face a couple times more,every punch wicker than the previous one and the third landed right beside my face on the old wooden surface._  
_Your hand was wounded,dripping fresh blood all over the carpet and my face soaked my white shirt all the same._  
_Your face looked so small,so tired and your grip on my collar was shivering. You regretted hitting me and was studying your face never regretting how much I craved to kiss you._  
_We stayed still like that for a long moment,breaths short and rigid, just looking at each others faces for what seemed like forever._  
_But I couldn't take it. We were both bleeding so very close and when a tear slid down your face you looked so betrayed. So beautiful._  
_And I couldn't take it. I reached out for you,both my hands on your slim neck and I kissed you. I was the one to kiss you._  
_I desperately kissed you with my dirty lips,lips that tasted of blood and whiskey._  
_You slapped my face with the back of your bloodied hand. Of course you would,your mouth was hanging open and my dirty kiss left you wordless._  
_Another tear slid down your soft cheek as you called me a bastard. I leaned to kiss you for the second time but you grabbed my shirt with both hands and threw me on my desk like I weighted nothing._  
_Everything fell down on the floor and you didn't care,you didn't even turn to look. You jumped on top of me and held my collar again,yanked me closer to your face and called me a long list of obscenities I had never in my entire life heard before._  
_I wiped the blood off my lips with the back of my hand and I shock in agreement smiling at you._  
_You gasped like a wounded animal looking away from me,confused and shivering and I took the chance to try again._  
_Instead of a kiss you offered me a bite on my broken lips and I moaned protesting the pain yet loving your small teeth on my flesh._  
_Muscular palms met the center of my chest and I was slammed back flat on the desk once again,your hands around my neck._  
  
_I knew you could have killed me you know. It was obvious that you had been holding back from the start and frankly you seemed to hurt more than I did everytime you hit me. So I wasn't afraid of your hands around my neck either. Your shivering touch was light,careful and when I placed my hands on top of yours you set your tears free. They fell like an endless stream and you cried out in agony._  
_You had been holding them back since that day,the day you first left the walls on my command,hadn't you ? That whole time you filled your heart with hatred and anger tossing grief aside._  
_I didn't move while you silently wept. Not even and inch not even a breath. I only kept looking into your eyes the same way you did, frozen in place,our blooded hands around my neck._  
_My smiling face was sincere you know. As you wept on top of me I smiled at you feeling more alive than I had felt my whole life._  
_And when your eyes ran dry you you gripped my shirt placing your hands on top of my heart. Still to this day I wonder,did you feel it dance in my chest for you ?_  
_I opened my mouth to speak,probably something that would have spoiled our moment, but your face lit with panic and you covered my mouth with your petite hand before I could make a sound._  
_Finally you broke your teary eyes away from mine looking away and shaking your face in denial. I was glad you stopped me afterwards and when your hand left my mouth you smoothed a strand of my messy hair back in its place making my heart tremble. You looked at me again but I couldn't read your face._  
_I touched your wrist and I hoped...waited...begged you with my eyes to offer me our second kiss._  
_But our second kiss never came. You slid off of me and off the desk walking towards my door without turning to look at me again._  
_I stared at your back as you walked away feeling useless...incomplete. My legs ached to get me walking towards you and my arms ached to hold you but I knew better._  
_That's my job afterall isn't it Levi ? To always know better._  
_You told me before you opened the door that you'd be back soon to clean up the mess. I knew you wouldn't. I hoped you would for a while as I lay alone on top of my desk staring at the mess off broken glass around the room. But you didn't return that night and even though I knew fear struck me. I truthfully feared that you'd really leave that time._  
_  
Im glad you didn't. But at that moment I did not know better. So I drank from my old whiskey bottle and spend the rest of the night sitting on my office floor,the fake apologies and promises for a better future I'd written laying around me._  
_And when the sun set I crawled into my cramped bathtub,I took a shower and I groomed myself properly like I did every other day._  
_Sometime later Mike passed outside my door and I faked a heavy cold coming up with a minor tragedy on the spot about how horrible my head ached and such._  
_Thankfully he didn't question anything and he wholeheartedly agreed to tell everyone that I was off duty for the rest of the day._  
_After his departure I fell flat on my bed desperately trying to fall asleep but being unable to. I had sobered up completely by then and my worries had begun to consume me whole._  
_But then my door opened again. And when I heard your stubborn footsteps on the wooden floor I felt so very happy._  
_For all I knew you could have simply come by to tell me you were leaving but I heard you picking up the broken glasses and I knew._  
_I felt like I knew something still unknown to me but it felt enough._  
_And I thought of all the things I'd say to you to make you give me our second kiss but sleep took me away from you._  
  
_Levi...I hope you remember._  
  
  
  
  
  
  
 

**Author's Note:**

> I'll probably make a part.2 of this at some point~


End file.
